Misfit to Beloved (pt. 2 of 2)

Over the years, there were words said to me by others that fed the “Misfit” identity I had accepted. It was like water to a planted seed. I was not invited, not included, misjudged. This Misfit perspective grew into a great big emotional mess.

The enemy of my soul continues to taunt me with more lies, you’re not good enough, you’re too old, you’re not smart enough, you’ll never do it, and you’re a “Misfit among Misfits”.  

The words all translated to me:

Rejection

Unworthiness

Outsider

Outcast

Unknown

Unwanted

Falling into one of the enemy’s favorite traps, self pity, I resurrect the old perspective.

MISFIT.

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It’s easy to feel sorry for myself and stay in the Misfit perspective . . . especially when I feel like I don’t belong, I don’t measure up, or I am just plain tired of trying so hard to be something I’m not. All the words of my dad come flooding back. Resentment grows. But I have a choice to accept or refuse this identity. Would I rather be resented or feel resentful? When I finally said ‘no’ to the controlling, toxic words, I was resented. But that’s better than saying ‘Yes’ and becoming resentful. Harboring resentment will kill my heart!  What we do with our painful experiences will either lead us down a path of dependence on God or bitterness and self-will.

I need to remember this: the deepest desire of the human heart is to belong . . . to be welcomed . . . to know that it is seen and worthy of kindness. There is One who sees me as worthy and calls me His Beloved.

Choosing to starve the seed of “misfit” that was planted so deeply within my heart as a little girl, and to believe that I am a Redeemed Beloved Daughter of God has been hard but heart healing. Psalm 139:14 says “I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” And 1 John 3:1a, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And this what we are!”

I prayed desperately: LORD! I cast the Misfit identity into the fire to be burned to ashes. Bring beauty from those ashes to my life. I want to be full and free, healed and whole, expectant and full of faith.

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And you know what? God has brought beauty from the ashes. He has blessed me right in the middle of my sufferings. The past hurts and wounds do not define me. Being on this healing journey for years, I praise God that He has shown me how beautiful I am in His eyes. He continues to redeem every wound that has fed this lie of being a Misfit and into the truth of being His Beloved Daughter.

Be blessed today as one who is loved by The Father.

Misfit to Beloved (pt 1 of 2)

My childhood . . . it was messy. It was wounding. It was painful. Being a vulnerable little girl, it affected my view of the world and of God. There was a desperate need inside me that screamed for someone to love me. These early wounds created a perspective of being unworthy, unwanted, a MISFIT.

At the young age of eleven, I finally got up the courage to tell my parents about a family friend hurting me in my bed during their party the night before. It wasn’t the first time it had happened. My dad’s words were accusatory and filled with anger . . . towards me.  It was my fault and I was just like my mother. Every night I would curl up under my blankets in a ball as fear overtook me. Every day I would wake up and hope I would feel some sense of love from this man I called daddy. The punishment of the deafening silent treatment that followed his harsh words were unbearable.

“If abortion were legal, you wouldn’t be here. . .”. I don’t remember the first time that was said to me, but it was deeply ingrained into my heart as a young girl. Hugging my knees to my chest in the stairwell crying as a little girl, he would be on the other side of the closed door tauntingly singing, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. I’m sitting in the garbage eating worms . . .” Then the mocking laughter. 

By the time I was a teenager, my misfit mentality was in full gear. My appearance was normal on the outside, but oh so ugly inside. Damaging behaviors like smoking, alcohol, and stealing became my normal as I tried to fill the gaping void in my heart. How I longed for love, to be loved. There were a few people that God placed in my life during these years that would have eternal affects on my heart.

The withholding of my dads love was almost my undoing. He was mean, hurtful, bitter. In a house full of people, I was so very alone. It had taken years of trying to win his love before realizing there is nothing I could do to make that happen. Eventually he would write me a letter stating I was no longer his daughter, he was done with me. He wasn’t going to love me the way I needed him to. Wanted him to. But there is One who does. There were whispers of hope in my heart.

 

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Continued in Part 2. Look for the beauty today around you and be blessed.

 

Welcome to the Journey

Welcome to my Journey! Thank you so much for stopping by and joining me for a walk through life. In case you don’t know me, I live in Michigan with my husband of 37 years and surrounded by seven, yes SEVEN, beautiful grandchildren. I’m so thankful my three children decided to stay close (for now) and let us enjoy life together.

My life as a Follower of Jesus started as a late teenager, but the decision to actually FOLLOW Him, came later. This decision has not been an easy one for me as I grew up with many challenges. God has called me His Beloved Daughter and this is my journey to the acceptance of that title. It has impacted every fiber of my being and every part of my journey. My hope is that maybe this will inspire one more to take hold of The Father’s hand and walk with Him, trusting Him for the journey.

Years ago, a counselor encouraged me to write my story for healing purposes. I have not stopped writing…in my private journals…and now I am taking the step to share it with others. This is not an easy task for me. Fear has gripped me over and over again when I decide to be obedient in my writing. But God has a greater purpose…a Kingdom purpose…and that calms my fears.

Recently my husband and I had the opportunity to visit the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. It was a gift like none other to our souls and our journey together. We were facing some decisions…hard decisions…God met us up on the mountains and showed us He is still with us in this more recent journey called Cancer. Our faith has been strengthened as we continued to believe “In His Will, Is Our Peace”. That has been our motto, so to speak, for the past seven years.

So come along with me for a short…or long…walk. Some days it will be a hike up a steep mountain. Other days will be a stroll through a meadow. All I know is God is WITH me (and you) every step of the way. I will trust Him because:

In His Will, Is My Peace

Dena