My childhood . . . it was messy. It was wounding. It was painful. Being a vulnerable little girl, it affected my view of the world and of God. There was a desperate need inside me that screamed for someone to love me. These early wounds created a perspective of being unworthy, unwanted, a MISFIT.
At the young age of eleven, I finally got up the courage to tell my parents about a family friend hurting me in my bed during their party the night before. It wasn’t the first time it had happened. My dad’s words were accusatory and filled with anger . . . towards me. It was my fault and I was just like my mother. Every night I would curl up under my blankets in a ball as fear overtook me. Every day I would wake up and hope I would feel some sense of love from this man I called daddy. The punishment of the deafening silent treatment that followed his harsh words were unbearable.
“If abortion were legal, you wouldn’t be here. . .”. I don’t remember the first time that was said to me, but it was deeply ingrained into my heart as a young girl. Hugging my knees to my chest in the stairwell crying as a little girl, he would be on the other side of the closed door tauntingly singing, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. I’m sitting in the garbage eating worms . . .” Then the mocking laughter.
By the time I was a teenager, my misfit mentality was in full gear. My appearance was normal on the outside, but oh so ugly inside. Damaging behaviors like smoking, alcohol, and stealing became my normal as I tried to fill the gaping void in my heart. How I longed for love, to be loved. There were a few people that God placed in my life during these years that would have eternal affects on my heart.
The withholding of my dads love was almost my undoing. He was mean, hurtful, bitter. In a house full of people, I was so very alone. It had taken years of trying to win his love before realizing there is nothing I could do to make that happen. Eventually he would write me a letter stating I was no longer his daughter, he was done with me. He wasn’t going to love me the way I needed him to. Wanted him to. But there is One who does. There were whispers of hope in my heart.
Continued in Part 2. Look for the beauty today around you and be blessed.